The following was previously publish on my old blog site.
2012 was the year to be inspired, I was inspired to finally move out of the family home. Now is this blog tells of my second inspiration of the year, to finally admit and ‘Come Out’ – yes if you don’t me, I’m
In the Gay community the day you ‘Come Out’ is usually one of those days you remember for all the right reasons or forget either due to the reaction by others of the news or if they’ve been ‘outed’ for others – in honesty I did it over the month but was relived I did it, finally.
In reflection, I should have done this earlier in life as I feel I’ve already missed so much, I write this on 29 January 2013 as I’m 32, 7 months And 9 days, by not admitting sooner.
Prevented from coming out sooner?
I think schooling, going to a Roman Catholic school throughout my life, growing up in the 80s and 90s when it still wasn’t totally cool to be gay, and the attitude of one, now deceased, grandparent, were the main causes why I didn’t and also the fact that I actually just threw myself in to work after leaving school, but t was never far from my mind.
I’ve never been attracted to girls and during late school life there were some Light experimentations with boys including a heavy crush on a Rugby Player (academy player at the time, and was also a bit of what is now termed ‘Chav’) whom was studying at our Sixth Form – whom if I recall perhaps actually at time knew I was gay and tried to perhaps encourage me then to come out, and before you go on he’s straight, but no I just rebuked it. Like I do with most things
Inspiration and anguish in London
Anyhow fast forward now to 2012 and it’s Friday 27 July 2012, the opening day of the Olympic Games
To be short, I got a rather harsh
myself, hating myself for not
This continued on the train home, as I had booked a specific train there was no way to run home and had to bear this sudden mix of emotions coming from all over. I had become withdrawn with it all at this point and was only happy to get back home, or was I?
Coming out to Twitter and setting things right
During the night the emotions were getting worse, and at the same time the usual ‘what will people think of me know’ thoughts were now going through my head. I didn’t wish to speak to anyone at this point, seemed wrong to detract them from the Opening Ceremony occurring on TV which I had started to watch but just couldn’t tackle those in, so instead I did it the modern and tweeted my new status and waited.
A stroke of relieve I had come out, of sorts!
A few followers responded to the news congratulating me. This was nice and fair enough, but if I was to cut it with others and more depth, I needed some grounding.
Now I’m not a great one at times at expressing my feelings through voice, so the only way I could explain was to write it all down and give to people to explain that this is the true me, the gay me. I was now house sitting for my uncle and, with some great difficulty, wrote everything I though relevant down.
Before continuing, you may find it easier to read the document, entitled ‘Hello, here’s muddled emotional’ (pdf file) so that you can further understand things.
Job done, now to circulate it. I did this over the coming weeks, firstly to a few close twitter, trusted, followers, seems fair no problems there at all even one saying:
‘Your’e 32! You dont come across as old as that…’
‘Wow! 140 characters was never going to be enough for all that x’
‘There’s so much I could say but I think its better face to face, however thank you for being brave enough & honest enough to share with me :-)’
A few other followers gave very thoughtful insights in to the email and it’s attachments. All emails received have been kept for future as they mean something.
Coming out in person
Fairs fair, next stage now for close friends/work colleagues.
This was done a week later again the same document was either printed or emailed and it was just about waiting for reaction. Again, happy to say coming out was accepted and welcomed, with one friend saying
Well done.
Strength young man !
Bravery beyond the norm. Total respect from me.
You are who you are , always have been and always will be.
Proud to call you friend.
We bounded a few emails back and forth that day, me kind of putting my size 11 boot in it slightly, but at the end of the day he came back
You ain’t a hassle !
What you are is very very detailed and in depth ……….. I’ve always said this haven’t I !
The world is a strange place and no matter who you are you deserve a place in it wherever and however you choose.
However from euphoria comes the downfall, but this was caused by a few work related, unconnected with me coming out, occurring and these kind of got me, at times making, very paranoid, but a few weeks, later, one Wednesday there was this small update meeting across a few interface departments in the company I deal with, around 15 people or so, and I had a bit to say on various little pieces at the end and guess what I threw into the mix as my final piece?
Yep one deep, slight anxious breath and I came out to the group there ! A bit of shock for them but accepted warmly nether the less but it was done.
Next the family, however I need not have worried, as after coming out in the meeting I had a wonder over to the station to get some air, and my mum rings and after saying what she needed to, I though what the hell and told here over the phone – well no surprised here mothers always do know don’t they – she knew anyway and was relieved I think that I had finally come clean !
And, barring telling a few other people, well it was by now high summer with people taking holidays etc, the rest as they say is history!
And this was my coming out story.